I know that I didn’t update yesterday – I’m such a slacker! The night before was extremely difficult – the baby was up every couple of hours so I was up every few hours to do feedings and pump. Nights like that, where you nod off while you’re holding a bottle or you’re pumping, are the nights that make you feel awful the next day. They’re the nights were you say things that you regret to your partner and the nights that make you believe beyond the shadow of a doubt that the months ahead of you will never pass by.
Yesterday, the peanut was a lot better. He would eat periodically, then sleep and then I would feed him again. He wasn’t too fussy until Izzy got home and then he got all fussy again. Deep down, I harbored a secret feeling of vindication – at least now he would know how I felt during the days when he’s fussy all day long. Now, I felt like he would gain empathy and understand how upset and frustrated that I would get at him for coming home at 7:00 at night after I’ve been caring for a fussy, crying baby all day without any support, not having left the house all day and not having had any social contact with anyone outside of the Internet all day. I’m not sure how much insight that he got because I haven’t talked to him about it since then – I’m actually afriad to open the can of worms again because the things that were said were hurtful to him just as much as they were to me.
I did manage to get out of the house yesterday evening – I went to Barnes and Noble and picked up some books to read when I get the chance, which may very well be never. I even picked up a magazine on writing and how to get published. I walked into the store at about 7:30 ish last night and there were tons of people in the cafe, just sitting there and talking to each other. I envied them their free time and I wondered if any of them were writing groups or mother’s groups that I could participate in just to have the social contacts that I was craving.