Last night, the frustration grew in the pit of my stomach. It grew, wildly out of control and I had a hard time controlling it. Nate had been up for 3 hours and had been fussing the entire time. I had tried everything – feeding, diaper changing, walking, burping, playing, distractions – but nothing seemed to work at all. And my husband had called at 6:30 to say that he’d be leaving but at 8:15, had not yet appeared. I couldn’t help but be upset that he wasn’t home yet and hadn’t called and wasn’t picking up his cell phone, which was off (I was going straight to voicemail). I was mad at him and frustrated at the baby. Didn’t he know that I had been home with Nate all day and that I hadn’t had a second of time to myself during that entire time? Didn’t he know that I had plans and dreams about what I wanted to get done that night with him there to help me? Didn’t he know that I had started dinner and that it was ready, based upon the representation that he made to me that he’d be home earlier than 8:15?! Didn’t he know that I was exhausted, that my breasts were about to burst and that I thought that I was coming down with a cold? He finally got home and we had a fight. We ended up resolving everything but it was perhaps the worst night in my life. Is it normal to be this mad at someone – anyone- and to be this frustrated with your own son? I mean, I love both of them so much but there are times that I get so mad and that I resent both or one of them so much and I get so frustrated with everything. I resent not having help when I need it and I hate it when I don’t get my me time – whether it’s going to the gym, getting 20 minutes to read or write or go to the gym or the store or whatever.
Nate also had his two month appointment on Monday where he got 4 vaccines. He’s now 11.5 pounds and doing generally well. During my pregnancy, the 20 week ultrasound had shown that he had something called hydronephrosis in both kidneys. They kept checking up on it. In the hospital after I gave birth, they did another ultrasound and found that one kidney had resolved itself and in the other kidney, there was very mild hydronephrosis still apparent. On Tuesday, we did another ultrasound at Southern NH Medical Center. I spoke to the pediatrician yesterday about the results – the hydronephrosis was barely noticeable and had, in fact, improved but was still present so they are going to refer us to a pediatric urologist to monitor him. According to the literature that I have found, it resolves itself within the first year for the majority of infants with mild cases. They usually prescribe antibiotics to prevent infection, so I’m not too worried about it. The specialist is located at Children’s Hospital Boston, so we’ll get an excuse to go down to Beantown, perhaps for the day. It isn’t too far from where we live now so it won’t be too bad.