So, in one of my Cafemom groups, a writer’s group, daily writer’s prompts are given and we have to write about it. I tend to really like flow of consciousness, so that’s what I’m going to do. Today’s prompt really hit close to home. The poster asked if we worried and worried excessively, if that worry has done us good or not and if not, what our secret was.
I am, have always been and will always be a worrier. For as long as I can remember, I worried obsessively about things that most people would find minute, small, something I shouldn’t be worrying about. When I first started my job, I would worry so much that most mornings, I would wake up, shower and throw up because I was so anxious. If I didn’t actually throw up vomit, I would dry heave over the toilet, my hands clutched on the cold edges of the porcelain toilet, oftentimes slipping because they were sweaty. My eyes would feel dry but tears would be streaming down my cheeks. Even in law school, I would be worried about the most mundane things – finals, other exams, papers, what grade I was getting.
Up until recently, I worried obsessively about my job. I wouldn’t dry heave, but there would be many restless nights – nights where I would wake up and find myself reciting my oral arguments and imagining what the folks on the other side of the aisle and the men and women wearing the black dresses would say in response to me. I would worry about how my clients reacted to my arguments and to the tough conversations that I often had to have with them. Since having a baby, I have found that there are certain things that I don’t worry about as much as before. On the other hand there are things that I worry about now that have replaced those initial worries. I don’t dry heave before going to work anymore; however the other day, I worried that Nate had scarlet fever because someone in my ASL class mentioned that her 14 year old had it. So, I still have the unrealistic worries and no way to really deal with them. And I struggle daily with finding a way that I can deal with those issues in a healthy manner….