Today was one of those days where I was inundated by mixed feelings again. I was so frustrated and cranky this morning having had to get up at 5 to take care of Nate and then being unable to go to bed. The crankiness persisted through most of the day – I resented Nate when he cried and I resented Izzy for leaving me alone to take care of Nate for like 5 hours this morning, when I was exhausted. I resented Izzy for not having to leave work at 5 every day, regardless of whether everything’s been done, to pick Nate up at daycare. And I was like I should just quit now. I hated how I felt the other day, seeing how little an eight week old was and seeing how my son was – how big he was and how he’s just thriving – and how it’s going so fast.
But on the other hand, I know that I wouldn’t be happy quitting and being a stay at home mom. I’m just not cut out for it. I couldn’t do it. And if I tried to, I would be absolutely miserable. And then Nate would be miserable. I know that, deep down, even though I get frustrated and there are flare-ups and lots of juggling, that I’m happy with the status quo. I’m happy for the status quo because even though there are flare ups, it runs smoothly and, most importantly, we’re all happy. Nate’s happy – he’s the mayor of his daycare. And he makes me laugh so hard sometimes. Like the other day, I walked into the room at daycare to pick him. He was playing with a little plastic cookie on the other side of the room. He looked up, saw me, put the cookie in his mouth, and crawled over to me, and lifted his arms up, holding the cookie still in his mouth. It was cute and funny and made my heart melt at the same time. Why, oh why, can’t it just be easier than this?!