It’s times like these….

…that almost make me want to throw up my hands, scream and shout and just plain give up. Nate was sick last night – most people know the story about the thrwoing up. And I thought that he was totally getting better.  I called to check in today from work and Izzy said that he seemed to be doing better. He hadn’t thrown anything up, was keeping down the liquids and didn’t have a fever.  Tonight, at about 5:00 when Izzy was getting dinner ready, I heard him say “Here have some banana” and then, minutes later, I hear “Sweetheart, he’s throwing up again!” and i go in and there’s vomit all over the place. And Izzy can’t stay home tomorrow, so I had to pretyt much call in sick, so that I can take care of Nate and bring him to the doctor and I just feel awful about it. I don’t like hoisting my stuff off onto anyone because we’re all so busy as it is.  I mean, if other moms can come into work when their kid is sick, why can’t I?

I constantly struggle to maintain some semblance of balance, I guess. However, I don’t feel plugged completely into anything anymore. I can’t spend nearly all of those hours at work on the weekend as I used to, although I sure as hell try on the nights and during naptime.  But at the same time, I’m not 100% plugged into Nate either because I work full time and at those times, he’s not with me.  I really and truly struggle with the constant juggling and worry that I’m going to drop the ball and then be screwed on all fronts. My kid will hate me because I can’t dedicate 100% of my time to him and him alone and my clients and co-workers will hate me because I can’t dedicate 100% of my time to them. It’s a Catch-22 that I’m not sure that I can get out of.

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One thought on “It’s times like these….

  1. Hey, for what it’s worth, you are not the only one providing Nate with what he needs and wants. It’s OK that you’re not there 100% of the time with him – his life is richer for it! (no offense of course!) He’s got many people in his life and that’s for the best. I’m sure you give him all the love you can when you’re with him.
    As for the co-workers and clients, they have no right to expect 100% of you time/energy. If they’re at all emotionally mature they’ll understand that.

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