The worst thing about being sick and being a parent is the overwhelming guilt that I have because I am too sick to participate as fully with Nate as I had been when I was at 100%. I feel so guilty. I actually had a dream the other day, during one of the naps that I took, that I had sent Nate to daycare. Then I went to work – I was coaching badminton in the high school that I had gone to (I actually played varsity badminton in high school). I got a call from Daycare that Nate wasn’t feeling well, so I went to go pick him up. Daycare then told me that they were calling the local department of social services on me because I was neglecting and abusing Nate. I woke up and cried because they were going to take Nate from me. It was awful – I don’t want to lose Nate at all. And when I’m sick and can’t take care of him, he becomes more attached to Izzy and he isn’t as attached to me. Now, I know that it’s not a competition – in my mind. Logically, I’m so happy that Nate has a wonderful daddy like Izzy. But I’m Nate’s mommy. I want him to be attached to me and have that special mommy/son relationship with me.
On another note, I’m still sick. Whenever I cough, I sound like a seal. My cats get totally freaked out on me whenever I cough. I’ve been drinking so much tea and water that I think I’m going to have to start treading water soon. I slept a lot better last night then I had the night before. Hopefully, tonight will be better because tomorrow, Nate gets his tubes. I have to have him at the hospital by 7:30 in pre-operation services. The actual procedure is at 8:30.