…with my mother yesterday and yes, I am blogging about it.
Now, I’m grateful for my mom, for the most part. She’s tried to be supportive in her own way, and I understand that, but there are certain things that are really frustrating with her. And there are a few big things about her that have really negatively impacted me in my life. My biggest complaint is that she’s never really satisfied with anything that I do or have done or am doing. At least that’s how I perceive it. She’s always telling me to do things a different way – HER way – even though I’m happy with the way that I do things because they work for me. And she makes these comments that are absolutely withering. For instance, we give Nate a bath every few days or so because over the winter, he just wasn’t playing outside or getting dirty all that much so I didn’t think there was a need for a bath EVERYDAY. She said to me, the other night, “You need to give Nate a bath everyday. How would YOU feel if you didn’t shower everyday. You’re neglecting him. You’re a bad mom.” I gave her a look, got up and left the room and went upstairs to my bed. While I was growing up, in high school, she would comment on my clothing and what I was wearing and how I looked. She consistently remarks on what I eat and how much I exercise.
Now, at two times in my life, I battled with anorexia. I was anorexic in high school and then again during the summer between my sophomore and junior years in college and for my first semester of junior year. I wouldn’t eat. And when I did, I exercised for like an hour after each meal. I stopped getting my period. I gave myself a thyroid condition that I will have for the rest of my life. I got the fur. I was cold all the time. It never got to the point that I was hospitalized, thankfully, but I was definitely going that route. And through it all and even afterwards and now, my mother never acknowledges that I battled that eating disorder and persists with the commentary. I struggle everyday with the feelings surrounding my eating disorder and I blame her for making me that way. And I acknowledge that this is something that I need to deal with and get over because it may not be her completely or at all.
So yesterday, I went food shopping with her and she made a comment to me in the car about how rude I was because I lost my patience with her – I did, and i apologized for that after the fight – but it was the completely last straw. I told her that she is never satisfied with anything that we have or how we live and cited examples about how she tries to change everything about how we do things. She kept interrupting me and yelling at me about how I was overreacting and she called me a bad mom again and accused me of neglecting Nate in order to spite her. At that point, I turned to her and told her that she was offensive and not just to me. I told her that if what she was saying was true, which it wasn’t, it reflected just as negatively on her as it did me because she was the one that raised me. I told her that I blamed her about my anorexia and causing it because I felt like she was never satisfied with me and I acknowledged that these were feelings that I needed to work through because she may or may not have been the cause or sole cause. She apologized and said that she was just trying to help.
I don’t know that anything was really resolved because she started in again this morning with the “making suggestions” and, if I rejected it, she would just go and do it anyways. The passive aggressiveness really gets to me. I don’t know what else to do – I feel like I poured my heart out and all she did was get defensive, put it all on me and refused to acknowledge her role in it. It was all me and me overreacting to her. And it makes me really, really sad and frustrated and angry. I don’t want to be mad at my mom. I love her. I just don’t know what to do.