and all that good stuff.
I am struggling to find a good balance to my life. I want a life where I can be happy in my work and how I perform there and happy with how I perform for my children, as a mommy. I want to make sure that my child or children grow up happy, loving, empathetic and successful, in whatever way they define it and I want to know that it’s because I gave them 100% of myself when they were little. At the same time, I want to really, really work hard at work and give 100% of myself when I’m there because sometimes, that’s just as important as my obligations to my family.
Right now, I feel like I work really, really hard when I’m at the office. I try to get through everything and I try to really make sure that I know everything about what I have to talk about, because oftentimes, that’s most of the battle. And then, when I get home, I try really, really hard to have fun with Nate and demonstrate through example of how to be healthy – in relationships, in eating, working out etc. For the longest time after he was born, I wasn’t particularly healthy, at least as far as food and exercise and I’ve been making significant strives on that front. But, I find that I’m exhausted at the end of the day and short on patience and I try, try, try so hard not to take it out on people around me, but sometimes it’s so hard to not get annoyed at things.
Part of the issue, for me, is that I have a particularly finite amount of patience. Over the last few years, I’ve managed to dig my well of patience deeper, but I still find that, often, by the end of the day (more often when it’s been stressful and I’ve had to deal with commentary about a variety of personal things, like how crappy I look or how bad I am at what I do, whatever), it’s hard to be patient. I think that part of the reason I struggle when I hear the commentary is that my self-esteem is pretty much non-existent. While I’ve managed to cull my patience and really work on that aspect of my life, I haven’t ever really dealt with the self-esteem thing. I think that the secret to my becoming happier may be in figuring out a way to be happy with myself, to stop degrading myself to the point that I slink around and to be happy enough and confident enough in myself that I can take the good with the bad. It’ll be a struggle, for sure, but I’m hopeful.