And still no baby.
I went to my regular pre-natal visit today and got checked out to see if I was even dilating. Last night I was having back pain and it felt like my cervix was regularly squeezing and releasing, even though they weren’t getting stronger and stopped when I walked or changed position. And there was nothing. I wasn’t dilated. My cervix wasn’t open at all. The baby’s head isn’t even as far down as a baby’s head normally is when you’re about to go into labor. I am so frustrated and am so sick of being pregnant. I don’t want to be pregnant anymore. I’m so tired already and just so uncomfortable. I can’t sit for too long without hurting. I can’t walk without hurting. And I definitely can’t sleep or turn over without discomfort and I’m going to the bathroom literally three or four times a night. I guess the discomfort isn’t so bad – it’s conditioning me for what happens on the other side – the absolute sleep deprivation. And thankfully, humans don’t have the 22 month gestational period that say an elephant does. But seriously enough already. I’m ready.
And I’m much more mentally prepared now for the actual birth experience and for having a newborn on the other side. I know that it will be rough, but I also know now that I can be more forgiving of myself. I’m prepared for, say, breastfeeding to be hard and for sleep deprivation to be just awful. But I also don’t think that I’ll be as tough on myself. If, say, breastfeeding doesn’t work this time around, I’m not going to take it as the end of the world. I’ll try and I’ll try really hard but if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work and that’s ok. The last time I worked out a way where Nate was getting breastmilk, just pumped a lot. And that worked out well.
I also just finished reading a pretty powerful book called Breaking Night. And that is making me feel a bit more confidant as well. Check out my review here.