Dear Dr. Cuddy

Yes, I know that you’re a fictional character on the show, House, M.D., but I had to write you this letter to tell you that I feel you. In a recent re-run, the struggles that you had made me cry. It touched me in a way that other shows that depict mothers and children (both biologically related and adoptive) haven’t because I related to you and seeing it made me cry also because I too have and had problems bonding with my newborns – both of them.  I don’t like having a newborn.  I didn’t with my son and I don’t now.  It’s a struggle to figure them out and I worry about whether I truly have bonded and whether I will ever truly “love” them the way that I perceive that I should. Seeing you struggle made me feel like I wasn’t alone in feeling the way that I felt/feel and it meant all the more because, like you, I’m a professional. I am a lawyer.  And it also made me feel that there is hope for me yet — I know that at the end, as you were rushing around to get ready and your baby started to cry, you paused. It was as if you were struggling with yourself, even if momentarily, as to whether to leave the baby or not and I had experienced that with NAte, my son. I have yet to return to work after giving birth this time and, while I’m eager to return (because I miss the adult conversation quite frankly), I hope to soften a little – I’m not a complete monster and I hope that I will “miss” my baby at some point once I return.

I cried. I cried because I know the feelings that you had so well. I am scared because I don’t feel like I bond normally – even though I talk to her, I look at her face and her eyes, I feed her, I change her, I clothe her. But I also get frustrated sometimes when I can’t get her to stop crying and it’s upsetting because she’s so relaxed with my husband, even though she was with me alone for ten months. She was solely mine for ten months but she seems toprefer my husband to me. I cried because I saw me in you and I was glad because I felt like I was the only one out there that struggles with this. So thank you – for making me feel not so alone.

Me.

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