Hard to Believe…

…that I start work again on Monday.  It’s been 10 weeks since Gabby was born. It feels like it happened just yesterday and that it happened in a blur but it also feels like it happened years ago and she’s been with us forever. I am really excited on some level to return to work.  I miss my colleagues and I miss the challenges of the job.  The job constantly pushed me to use my brain and I miss using my brain in the way that my job demanded.  I even miss my clients. I miss writing motions, arguing in court and doing trials.  Being home all the time with an infant often deprived me of the adult contact that I wanted and some of the mental stimulation that I needed and craved.

However, there were times that Ir eally enjoyed being home with Gabby. On some level, I feel guilty about leaving her in daycare so early, but not too much. Does that make me selfish?  I think that there are parts of our society and culture that say that I am because I choose to go out into the workforce instead of taking the more traditional approach and staying home. And those messages come in loud in clear. I think that parents, mothers in particular, are subjected to intense scrutiny – much more so than fathers are because women have always had the role of childcare in our society. It’s only been recently that men have been encouraged to take on a much bigger role in childrearing and it’s still rarer that a man is a stay at home dad.  I mean, remember that movie Mr. Mom with Michael Keaton – it basically made fun of stay at home dads and how men had no idea what to do in the home. So i guess the guilt has two layers – one that I actually want to go back to work and enjoy being at work more than at home and partly because I will actually miss being at home with Gabby.

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The weaning thing has been hard. I’ve been extending the amount of time in between pumpings by half an hour each week. I’m up to four hours between pumpings during the day and one pumping in the middle of the night, usually between 5 and 6 hours in. Yesterday, I started reducing the amount of time that I actually pump. The whole point is to fool your body into thinking that it shouldn’t be producing as much milk.  It can get uncomfortable, but hopefully the reduction in the amount of time pumping will help.  I really worry about the mastitis coming back but I can always go back to the doctor again if it does.  Now that I know what it feels like, I can hopefully catch it before it gets to the point where I have a fever.

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There are reviews up over at my other blog if you’re interested.

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