Nightmares and random holiday cuteness

So yesterday was Halloween and, in keeping with American tradition, Nate got dressed up as a three eyed monster. We didn’t take him trick or treating though – he can’t walk yet (although he’s close) and I’m not sure that he would appreicate everything going on. Instead, he helped me give out candy to the hundred or so trick or treaters that stopped by our place, including our neighbors and one of the daycare workers, who came over for a little bit with her one year old. We decorated the outside of the house with pumpkins and I created a Halloween playlist for the IPOD and set that up outside to play for the two hours that trick or treating was going on.  Some of the kids thought it was cool, because I had hidden the radio on the other side of the house, so you could hear the music but not know where it was coming from.  I was particularly proud of that touch. 🙂

I have been having nightmares lately.  I have this insane cold – that is just starting to go away. It was bad enough that it caused a double ear infection, a sinus headache and a perforated ear drum. I was pretty much out of work most of the week and I’m JUST starting to feel better. Anyways, as with all the colds that I have had, I tend to have wierd and vivid dreams or nightmares, even when I’m not taking NyQuil or some other nighttime cold medicine. The other night, I had a really awful dream. I was in a car following my husband’s car. He was in the car in front of me with Nate and my grandparents. And we were going down this really windy road. On the passenger side was mountains and grass. On the driver’s side, a drop and a lake. Izzy’s car started carreening out of control, flipped over, and rolled down the hill into the lake. My car caught up to their car in the lake and everyone in the car had been killed. It was awful. I think that I was crying in my sleep because when I woke up my cheeks were wet.  It was the WORST dream that I had ever had.  Goes to show you who I’m afraid of losing, I guess.

Currently reading: The latest New Yorker magazine, Look Me in the Eye by John Elder Robison and Nights in Rodanthe by Nicholas Sparks (audiobook).

A substantive post oh my!

Gosh, I haven’t had a substantive post all week and for that I’m so sorry.  I’ve been pretty sick. At least for me. It’s all relative when it comes to health – I know that. On Monday night, I woke up at like 10:30 or 11 in intense pain – my right ear was KILLING me and causing the whole right side of my face to be in pain. Then, my ear started crinkling and popping and finally, the Motrin kicked in and I was able to get a couple of hours of sleep at 3 in the morning. The next day, I went to work and took care of my appearances in the morning, then went to the doctor. Lo and behold – I was diagnosed as having not only an upper respiratory infection (fancy doctor talk for a cold), but a double ear infection and a perforated right ear drum.  Apparently, the pressure build up had been so great, that it pretty much popped to allow the mucus out and to relieve the pressure.  Doctor says that she doesn’t think it is permanent and will re-attach. I got put on Nasonex and a horse pill antibiotic that I have to take for one week and of course fluids and rest. I still feel like shit and I’m going on my third day with the antibiotics, but i think that it’s the cold that is making me feel badly not the ear infection.

Nate is doing all right – he has had some separation anxiety during the last few drop-offs at daycare.  There has been a “new face” during the drop-off. Instead of the woman that is usually there in the mornings, the afternoon lady is there.  The morning lady has been sick too.  So he’ll get really clingy and start crying if I move away from him. The regular morning lady was there this morning and he was so happy and not clingy at all. It was strange and funny at the same time. I think that he definitely has a preference of who he wants to see in the mornings and I think that he’s so used to routine, that a difference upsets him.  In that way, he’s like me. It took me a long time to learn some flexibility in my life and with work.

Currently reading: Look me in the Eye by John Elder Robison and Nights in Rodanthe by Nicholas Sparks (audiobook).

Currently listening: The Amateur Traveler

Fantastic Friday

So I didn’t post last night because, quite frankly, I’m getting sick. I’m coming down with a cold and was tired and grumpy so I didn’t post. And I slept horribly and am now in the beginning stages of a head cold, again. I swear it’s a monthly thing.  I’ve never been this sick before – I think it’s a combination of the weather and having a little one that brings home his germs from daycare.

Anyways, last night, I picked up Nate and we went to this talk that Jeanne Shaeen gave in our town hall. She is a former governor and is now running for a Senate seat in the United States Senate.  The picture on the article is one of her talking to Nate and I and answering my question on wiretapping!!!!!  I had to leave early though because Nate was getting fussy and acting up. I wish that I could have stayed later though. I was really, really impressed by the high school senior that introduced her. Nate and I had spoken to him before his speech for quite some time – like twenty to thirty minutes – about where he was in school and whether he wanted to go to college and what he wanted to do.  He knew EVERYTHING about the historical figures in the town and I thought that his mannerisms and stories were a bit off. Nothing like totally wierd, but just odd. And I learned during his speech that he was autistic and that the doctors had told his parents that he would never be able to speak and here he was introducing a Senatorial candidate!!!  He encouraged us to vote for her because she championed the classes that enabled him to surpass what the doctor’s said and I had made up my mind then!

A funny quirk

So in the short time that I have had Nate home, I realized that he has a really funny quirk.  And that quirk reaffirms my belief that he is, in some ways, very much a mirror image of his father, at least insofar as his personality.

So I picked up Nate from daycare and brought him home. We hung out in the kitchen – he was playing with pots and pans and I was making dinner – and lo and behold, he got into the dish of water that we have laid out for the cats. And the water got EVERYWHERE and then Nate CRAWLED through it. He started to cry and then, he wouldn’t crawl on his hands and knees. Instead, he would crawl on his feet and hands, a la downward facing dog! Apparently, he hated the wet feeling of the jeans on his knees and so wouldn’t crawl on them.  That’s so like my husband, who won’t sit or kneel on wet jean material.  I almost died laughing!

Apple picking

We went apple and pumpkin picking yesterday with the family at the Currier Orchard in Merrimack, NH. Nate loved it! He saw and touched a horse for the first time and you should have seen the look on his face when that horse stuck his nose right out to be touched. I don’t think that Nate quite knew what to do with himself.

We got some good apples, but there were quite a few that had rotted already.  I guess that we should have gone earlier in the season. It was such a nice day though – sunny and fall like but not too, too cold.  Typical New England weather.

My plans for today include doing the piles and piles of laundry that wait for me in the bedroom, taking a walk, and making some chicken soup for lunches for the rest of the week. I’ve taken to bringing lunch with me to work in an effort to save some money.

Currently reading: Native Son and The Story of Edward Sawtelle

Currently listening to: Accident Hash

All-in-all

It’s been a better day than yesterday. My hubby got home at like 2in the morning from the game, which the SOX WON. I couldn’t believe it. Apparently, it all went down after I changed the channel, during the 7th inning. Maybe if I had kept watching, they would have lost. Yeah, I’m paranoid like that, ok?!

It’s beautiful today.  The sun’s out, it’s cool, and fall-like FINALLY. And my parents are coming up to visit…

My issues…

Izzy’s company represents Major League Baseball; they do a lot of their email marketing if not all of it.  So, of course they get season tix to Red Sox games, which they raffle off by using a random drawing (excluding Yankees-Red Sox games which the execs go to of course). So, Izzy won one ticket to the game last night. And I was so jealous – I haven’t been anywhere near a baseball game since this time last year – the weekend before we found out that we were pregnant, I had gotten tickets for Izzy to see Guster at the Opera House in Boston. I resented him for going without me and for leaving me at home with a baby that turned out to be more fussy then he normally is, although we ended up calming down a bit during the night. We ended up fighting a little bit when he got home, but worked things out. I definitely resented him, although I shouldn’t have because he offered to stay home with Nate the day before, so I could go to happy hour with some co-workers, which I promptly did (and boy did I feel good – had a big 20 oz. Dos Equis!!!! WOOT!). But I didn’t come home at 1 in the morning, smelling like beer and I came bearing ice cream and other assorted little trinkets for my husband and child.

The resentment I had was much less then what I experienced immediately after childbirth, and was not in any way directed towards Nate, whom I have come to love dearly. It was frustration at my husband for leaving me home for hours to go and do something that I enjoyed much more than he does, or at least I perceived that I enjoyed much more then he does.  It’s selfish of me and is something that I need to work on in my own personal life. I’m not sure how to improve it, but I am determined to find out so that I can correct the problem.

We did end up resolving the problem and this morning I woke up to sunshine, warm air that smelled of spring and a sense of peacefulness.  I was conscious of myself (finally) enjoying Nate and my interactions with him, even when he was beginning to fuss. I think the weather may be helping – it’s finally warm enough that we both can sit outside without fear of icy winds and snow. And Nate is such a happy baby – he smiles and giggles at us when we’re changing him and talking to him. He’s taken to “talking” back to us and has rolled from his front to his back. He’s so close to rolling from his back to his front – he can get three quarters of the way over before giving up.  The next thing you know, he’s going to be rolling away from me as I try to change him! 

Work-life balance continues to challenge me.  There are days that I hate it and days that I think that work is my sanity (which, if you know what I go through at work, is pretty shocking).  I have a hard time trying to fit in “Melissa” time, downtime for me to do the things that I enjoy whether it be exercise, World of Warcraft, the Sims Online, reading and writing.  I don’t know how single parents do this…and I give them a ton more credit! 

Last night, the frustration grew in the pit of my stomach. It grew, wildly out of control and I had a hard time controlling it. Nate had been up for 3 hours and had been fussing the entire time.  I had tried everything – feeding, diaper changing, walking, burping, playing, distractions – but nothing seemed to work at all.  And my husband had called at 6:30 to say that he’d be leaving but at 8:15, had not yet appeared.  I couldn’t help but be upset that he wasn’t home yet and hadn’t called and wasn’t picking up his cell phone, which was off (I was going straight to voicemail).  I was mad at him and frustrated at the baby.  Didn’t he know that I had been home with Nate all day and that I hadn’t had a second of time to myself during that entire time?  Didn’t he know that I had plans and dreams about what I wanted to get done that night with him there to help me? Didn’t he know that I had started dinner and that it was ready, based upon the representation that he made to me that he’d be home earlier than 8:15?! Didn’t he know that I was exhausted, that my breasts were about to burst and that I thought that I was coming down with a cold? He finally got home and we had a fight.  We ended up resolving everything but it was perhaps the worst night in my life. Is it normal to be this mad at someone – anyone- and to be this frustrated with your own son?  I mean, I love both of them so much but there are times that I get so mad and that I resent both or one of them so much and I get so frustrated with everything.  I resent not having help when I need it and I hate it when I don’t get my me time – whether it’s going to the gym, getting 20 minutes to read or write or go to the gym or the store or whatever.

Nate also had his two month appointment on Monday where he got 4 vaccines. He’s now 11.5 pounds and doing generally well.  During my pregnancy, the 20 week ultrasound had shown that he had something called hydronephrosis in both kidneys. They kept checking up on it.  In the hospital after I gave birth, they did another ultrasound and found that one kidney had resolved itself and in the other kidney, there was very mild hydronephrosis still apparent. On Tuesday, we did another ultrasound at Southern NH Medical Center. I spoke to the pediatrician yesterday about the results – the hydronephrosis was barely noticeable and had, in fact, improved but was still present so they are going to refer us to a pediatric urologist to monitor him.  According to the literature that I have found, it resolves itself within the first year for the majority of infants with mild cases.  They usually prescribe antibiotics to prevent infection, so I’m not too worried about it.  The specialist is located at Children’s Hospital Boston, so we’ll get an excuse to go down to Beantown, perhaps for the day. It isn’t too far from where we live now so it won’t be too bad.

Life, love, pumping and chicken soup

Is it possible to pump too much?  My husband seems to think that it is possible – we have nearly one shelf in our fridge dedicated to the milk that I have pumped for our son and one shelf in our freezer dedicated to frozen breast milk.  It goes back to a couple of things I think – those first few weeks, when Nate was down to 5 pounds 8 ounces, I was so scared that he was going to starve to death, even though that wasn’t a particularly realistic fear because both we and the doctors were monitoring him closely. Also, I think it also goes to my own issues with food – I was anorexic at least twice in my life – once in high school and once in college – not severe enough that I was hospitalized but severe enough that I lost my periods and caused permanent damage to my thyroid (I basically caused hypothyroidism and now have to take pills everyday for the rest of my life). For a while, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to have children, but that worry has been proven to be false. I don’t want my son to starve – I want him to be provided for and to get the best that there is, which means breastmilk in any way, shape or form.

This weekend, my parents were in to visit. It was the first time that they have visited since Nate was born and I was really worried about them being here.  My mom was here for two weeks right after Nate was born and there was a lot of tension during that period – we fought and we said things to each other that weren’t always nice. She told me that I was killing my son by starving him as I was struggling to breast feed him. I kicked her out of the room and screamed obscenities at her for days on end. She promply guilt tripped me and told me how to do basic child care things – the methods of which weren’t working for me for whatever reason. It was a very stressful time for me and for her I’m sure. And my husband sometimes feels offended when they come up – like they don’t think that anything he does or we do is good enough because they rearrange things, buy new things for us and generally try to change our house.  I don’t mind this as much because this is how they show us that they love us – by cooking for us and trying to clean the house but I can understand how he feels that way.  But it leads to stress between Izzy and I too.  I thought that the visit went well and I was happy to see them.  They love Nate very much and that’s very important to me – they showered him with love and kisses and hugs and couldn’t put him down and he ate up the attention like I eat brownies and drink good wine. He loved it and them…and that’s what is important to me.

I also finished reading Chicken Soup for the New Mom’s Soul. For those of you who live in a cave and don’t know what these books are, they are a compilation of stories that are supposed to be inspirational; my understanding is that everyday people submit stories, which are then selected and published.  I hated this book – I don’t think that they are a realistic portrayal of motherhood at all.